guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
