I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
