Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
