i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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