i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
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Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
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Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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