his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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