I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I just found a bag of teeth...
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
