I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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