i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
