found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
