I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize