How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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