pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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