Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
