If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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