it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
