: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
