apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Randomize
