your parents love me but you hate me
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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