ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
