farters have to be the big spoon...
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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