How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
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