she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
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she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
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He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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