On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Randomize
