On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
