I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
