Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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