So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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