Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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