I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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