The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
