Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
