Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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