For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
