can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
