ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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