U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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