Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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