You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
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I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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