Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
