I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
party gras won. party gras always wins.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
