Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
