U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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