Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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