did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
