I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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