Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
please come you make the beer taste better
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
