i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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