i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. đź’€
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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