the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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