If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
