can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
