My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
