Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
