i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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