Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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