If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
