i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
