I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
