i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
