i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
